Mark has always been somewhat dominant in our relationship making comments about his 'good little wifey' and making certain expectations very clear (like I am not to drive in the dark) but he never used any form of discipline. So, I never listened. Quite often I would go to visit family 4 hours away and return at 1 in the morning, what was he going to do about it? Of course he would be mad at me but, he would get over it and I would always get my way. Meanwhile, as this continued I began to lose respect for him as a man. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without any consequences. I knew that this is not what I wanted and as I did it more and more we drifted further and further apart but, how could I stop myself when I wasn't held accountable for my actions. It is almost like sending someone into the mall and saying, "don't steal! But if you do, nothing will happen anyways". I was stealing from our happiness and could not stop.
I knew I wanted to be disciplined but, how do you ask for it without sounding off your rockers? Especially when I was not looking for the sexy naughty girl spanks, I wanted to be pushed beyond the erotic spanking into the place where I learned a lesson and do not want to go there again. I gave him subtle hints like, "I want to listen but, its hard". He loved that I wanted to make him happy and I would try but it was self-destructing cycle and soon I would be doing everything my own way, acting selfish and not putting our relationship first. Not being able to bring myself tell Mark face to face what I wanted, I wrote him a letter.
My next post will be a copy of the letter I left for him.