Thursday, 5 January 2012

What Do 'They' Think?

Even without living in domestic discipline I have been self-conscious about the times when Mark has made stern requests of me in front of our friends and families. I felt torn, should I obey like I naturally and normally do or, should I put up a 'tough' in control front? I want to submit and please him but, I feel like others might feel that I am weak and should stand up for myself.

Now that we are beginning our journey into domestic discipline I am worried about other peoples reaction. Mark is not the shy type, the way he is at home is how he is everywhere. Since he is still gone to work and we haven't sociallized since we began this journey I am VERY nervous. I can envision Mark testing my loyalty and commitment to DD...hopefully I am imagining the worst but I will be sure to keep you posted.

Does anyone have experience with open DD relationship? How do the people that know about it react?

New Years, New Beginnings?

Mark works away in the winter he is gone for 24 days and is back for 3. He was scheduled to leave Jan 2, 2012 and it was New Years. He had told me that I was going to get a spanking for being late from returning from my Dad's house when he had specifically asked me to be home by 4pm. Since we have a two year old son, there was no way that he could discipline me immediately but that night he promised I would be held accountable. I was secretly looking forward to it. Finally! My man was going to take control and put me in my place! :) But as night came and we put our son to bed nothing came.

I was VERY annoyed! So much for being a man. I could once again push him around just like I always did. I purposefully treated him like shit, being disrespectful, rolling my eyes, and when he went to bed I stayed up watching TV (he likes to go to bed at the same time). After one TV show I went to bed and lied awake stewing...rolling one way then another. Finally, I got up and went to watch another movie. After the movie I went back to bed, where Mark said, "3:30, where have you been? and, why aren't you asleep?"

I lied and said grumpily, "I just can't sleep so, I watched TV for a bit". He turned over and fell asleep while I continued tossing and turning. 

Finally he turned over and said, "what the hell is your problem? You were a bitch all night and now you won't even let me sleep?" I could not bring myself to say that his lack of leadership was pissing me off and that his threat of spanking was obviously an empty threat, instead we got into a heated argument about my attitude.

Mark asked over again what I wanted him to do...finally he asked if I wanted a spanking. I hid under the blankets and said 'YES!'. He instantly lifted the blankets pulled my pj pants down told me to turn over and removed his belt.

"Listen I am the boss!" SMACK the belt came down hard on my cheeks and I yelped. I felt so silly for asking for it and embarrassed over my desires that between the yelps and asking him to stop I giggled uncontrollably. Through his belting Mark continued with his lecture. "You listen when I tell you to come home!" Smack, "Do not EVER roll your eyes at me!" Smack Smack this continued until my giggles stopped and my begging to stop got worse. My ass was on fire.

As soon as he stopped, Mark held me tight and kissed me passionately. "You are so weird, but fuck do you turn me on!" We began to make love...ok wild crazy sex...and finished by cuddling and him saying how much he loved me and rubbing my very sore bottom. Looking up at him I had a wide, satisfying grin and told him "I love you more...thank you" and we snuggled tightly all night.

The next day I was informed of his rules... :)
1. No lying
2. No masterbating or touching other than to wipe
3. Feed our horses 2 times a day
4. Do exercises daily
             -100 pussy clenches 
             -100 squats
             -30 sit-ups
5. When using our washroom to pee put the toilet paper in the garbage, not toilet (easier on our septic system)

Sadly, that same day he left for his 24 day stretch at work :( It has been three days but the authority in his voice is still their and he has upped my exercises to 60 sit-ups since my muscles were not sore. I have been very obedient and have followed all of his rules so far. But am kind of hoping for a reminder spanking when he gets home. We will see how that goes...

I would love to get some suggestions or please feel free!

Asking for Discipline

This is the letter I wrote to Mark, trying to reveal to him my deep desire to please him and to be disciplined when I disobey and disappoint.

Ever since we started dating I have felt a strong desire to be submissive to you. Even to me it seems strange. So I researched roles of husband and wife according to the bible.. It clearly says, the man is to be the head of the household and women were made to be their helpers. It says women are to obey their husbands and men are to love and provide for their wives.

So, maybe I'm not crazy...I think it's natural for me to want you to love me, protect me, and set limits for me.
I'm not saying that I want to be 'told' exactly what to do... but when I push your limits, try to control things, or nag...I want to be shown that you're the man. I want you to sweep me off my feet and over your knee and spank me. Not love taps but, a spanking I really don't 'want'. It's like I crave to be disciplined. Right now, I feel like I can do whatever I want whenever I want...

I have a comparison (it's kind of stupid but maybe it will help you understand). It is kind of like a stray dog, allowed to wander and do whatever it wants compared to Sassie (our dog) who has rules...which one do you think is happier?

So, this is me asking you to enforce boundaries that you have set...with or without my cooperation and consent. For example, if I stay longer than agreed at my sisters house. You could take me to the bedroom (or garage) and spank me. Keep going until you decide I had enough, not when I tell you to stop. It is the limits I desire, if you stop when I say, I am still controlling the situation. It is very scary for me and I have not fully done this but I am ready and want to give you the control...if you want it.

I know this all sounds so weird but I have wanted to be 'yours' for a long time. I really think it will bring us even closer. I understand if you don't want to or can't.

I love you sooo much,

Even with this very clear letter things did not change much. He became much more bossy but I continued to ignore and disrespect him.

Well, actually thinking back he did begin to spank me more during sex or when walking by him but it was more like playful or erotic spankings, not discipline.

Unhappily Getting My Way

Mark has always been somewhat dominant in our relationship making comments about his 'good little wifey' and making certain expectations very clear (like I am not to drive in the dark) but he never used any form of discipline. So, I never listened. Quite often I would go to visit family 4 hours away and return at 1 in the morning, what was he going to do about it? Of course he would be mad at me but, he would get over it and I would always get my way. Meanwhile, as this continued I began to lose respect for him as a man. I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted without any consequences. I knew that this is not what I wanted and as I did it more and more we drifted further and further apart but, how could I stop myself when I wasn't held accountable for my actions. It is almost like sending someone into the mall and saying, "don't steal! But if you do, nothing will happen anyways". I was stealing from our happiness and could not stop.

I knew I wanted to be disciplined but, how do you ask for it without sounding off your rockers? Especially when I was not looking for the sexy naughty girl spanks, I wanted to be pushed beyond the erotic spanking into the place where I learned a lesson and do not want to go there again. I gave him subtle hints like, "I want to listen but, its hard". He loved that I wanted to make him happy and I  would try but it was self-destructing cycle and soon I would be doing everything my own way, acting selfish and not putting our relationship first. Not being able to bring myself tell Mark face to face what I wanted, I wrote him a letter.

My next post will be a copy of the letter I left for him.